Film Shrew

Going The Distance

2010-10-17T23:18:00.000-07:00

Hey Going The Distance the 80’s called and they want their, movie back, in fact they want they’re wardrobe, music, writer, director, script, even their actor (Hey Drew, how is ET?) the only thing missing, Andrew McCarthy and Molly Ringwald don’t get me wrong I loved the 80’s (even though I was just young child) but leave them where they belong and for God’s sake do not try to recreate them! What’s next a Pretty in Pink remake with Snooki as Andie and the “Situation” as Ducky?! Find me a ledge because I’d have to jump!

Oh crap! I said it; I put it out there in the Universe! Now it’s only a matter of time. Let us pray, “Dear Lord, when the mindless “Powers That Be” that govern Hollywood, decide to unleash their nefarious plot and remake Pretty in Pink with Snooki, it is my fervent wish that you end our suffering and begin the Apocalypse, Amen.”
Oh Dear God it’s already happening! At this very moment “they” are remaking Arthur?! With Russell Brand?! Say it isn’t so?! Surely the end is near (don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against Russell-well, I could live without Katie Perry) BUT Arthur is Iconic and should NOT be remade. I don’t care if you get Robert De Niro himself, leave it alone!

I’d like to tell you how this ends, just because I do so love a spoiler, however, I stopped watching, I didn’t say I left I just said I stopped watching-it’s amazing what fun you can have with a phone. Get your mind out of the gutter! Its not like I was watching porn...OK so maybe I was, whats it to ya?! Solitaire would have been more fun than paying attention to this movie!

Is it wrong to review a movie that I didn’t have the patience to pay attention to or good sense to leave? Probably,so I’ll give you my version of what happened. One of “them” gives up his/her life (metaphorically speaking) for the other and they move across the country for the other and they lived happily ever after. Ok, so I did glance at the screen and suffice to say I’m right, there were tears and airport scene etc, and of course they lived happily ever after. Do you think anyone in Hollywood has the brains to come up with a better ending? Or for that matter dare to be different? I think not! Soooo, I’ve decided to give it a try and put my own spin on the ending.

It’s down to the wire, there are tears, careers, for God’s sake people LOVE is on the line SOMEONE has got to give in-give up-and GO to their ONE AND ONLY LOVE! And so he does…sadly though his plane goes down over the Bermuda Triangle (yes that’s right the Bermuda Triangle-they had a layover-sue me, I’m not great with geography!) And then he's gone…or is he?

Fade out….we’re back, its ten years later! She’s OLD now (cuz ya know she’d be 40ish) he returns to find his ONE TRUE LOVE! He rushes to her (no we don’t know how/why/where he’s been) we only know he hasn’t aged!) He sees her from behind-she senses his presence-she turns; her eyes well with tears…he (still in his early 30's) looks at her with horror and disgust, his face cannot hide! Oh lord what happened to her?! Did she even THINK about Botox, a boob job, joining a gym? He turns and runs (oh yeah b/c that’s would really happen) men will always age "gracefully" (my ASS!) women will just get old and be traded in for a shiny new model-just like a car. If you don't believe me just ask Cortney Cox!
"But I only had sex w/her twice."

2010-08-04T19:48:00.000-07:00

Salt
I'm quite certain someone has said this already but here goes: Salt lacked flavor, Salt could have used a little pepper, Salt was bland. I was not impressed, frankly I was kinda bored, sure I love a kick ass Angelia aka Lara Croft but this was a little to "kick ass"? I often say I'm willing to check my brain at the door (insert brainless joke here) nevertheless, I expected this to be a little more "real"? I've read reviews comparing Salt to the Bourne movies and frankly this was NOT Bourne. It’s not that I don't believe a woman, especially Angie is tough, smart and physically capable of, well, pretty much anything, but…I found myself rolling my eyes so many time they stayed that way! OMG! Mom was right!
Exhibit A: Agent Salt jumps from an expressway ramp onto a bus, then onto a truck finally escaping (the first time) by grabbing a motorcycle from a speeding cyclist thereby eluding the Secret Service, FBI, CIA and every Extra central casting could outfit in a uniform. But since I did agree to check my brain, which has been safely secured in the overhead compartment (or in my case my colossal size bucket of popcorn) why not take it a step further?
Exhibit B: A Russian super spy has DIRECT access to the President of the United States? Then again, they did just catch "femme fatale" Anna Chapman, (the red-haired pretty spy) and the “others”. (I say “others” b/c let’s face it, she’s pretty and that’s all that really matters-right? I’m sure her reality show is in production) hmmmmm? Come to think of it she WAS in Washington wasn't she? Oh no! Could I be wrong about this? Nah, never gonna happen...
I'm not saying I want to watch documentaries but if you're going for "real" then give me REAL-ish at least! They clearly set this up for a sequel which I'm hoping is Salt meets Bourne! Now that I'd watch and not just b/c I enjoy a buffed up Matt Damon, that would make me shallow...OK so I'm shallow! (Did I mention Ryan Reynolds is going to be Green Lantern?! And the costume is T.I.G.H.T!)

Hot Tub Time Machine = waste of time!

2010-04-01T13:12:00.000-07:00

Oh how the mighty have fallen! John Cusack and Nick Cage apparently have the same agent/advisor, I can think of no other explanation for their collective fall from grace. I understand Nick has always been considered “out there” avant-garde if you will, or he just needs the money (hello IRS) at any rate at least we expect this from him, but John? What are you doing? This was awful on so many levels. I just don’t understand why? You had all the necessary ingredients, YOU, an 80’s era setting, ski resort,(Better Off Dead! COME ON!) Token bad guys, for better or worse Crispin Glover (the man’s a lunatic, but you can’t deny he has screen presence) a merry band of misfit friends (that being said Rob Corddry, so overplayed his role it was ECCRUTIATINLY, PAINFUL!) when he rips his catheter out-ewwwww! Not funny, not even a little, just gross and unnecessary! Please tell me is there anyone out there that thinks being sprayed with pee is funny?! And OMG! Who had the bright idea to bet a blow-job-between friends, did you really think that would be anything but vile and repulsive? I enjoy a good fart joke, potty humor, but really? Not, not even a little funny!
But I digress, I wanted to like this, I wanted to LOVE this! Alas it just wasn’t meant to be, I will say it was better than The Bounty Hunter, however I only say that because I still have a crush on John Cusack, what self-respecting girl from the 80’s didn’t have a crush on him (Say Anything? Ladies, am I right or am I right?) Then again I have loved Nick Cage since Valley Girl, I guess there comes a time when you just have to let go…I soooo wasn’t ready to let go…after seeing this mistake of a movie, I’M OUTTA HERE!
Dear John, please be advised that I will be removing your posters from my walls (my husband will be pleased-I think) and I will no longer allow myself (no matter how much I may want to) I will not allow myself to feed your OBVIOUS addiction/affliction for doing crappy movies!
Please seek help immediately! Perhaps Dr. Drew offers a rehab for fallen 80’s icons! Now that’s a show I’d definitely watch! Oh, and if you don’t mind please invite Chevy Chase to join you, talk about how the mighty have fallen-my God he didn’t just fall he hurled himself off the Chrysler building!

Kick Ass!

2010-03-26T20:05:00.000-07:00

Here is a review for Kick Ass written by my friend Don, it was released in London on Friday. Don is from Scotland, he was kind enough to see the movie for me! I hope you enjoy his review!

Any move that is based on comic book super heroes is not going to be true to life. I have no idea if it is true to any comic book but it is a movie and not a movie version of a comic book. So no 'bubbles' of sound effects like in the old Batman stuff. The theater I visited did not have 3D and that might have added a bit to the experience. The long list of actors was almost equalled by a long list of stunt people. And swamped by the special effects credits!

The location shots were in Canada (Toronto, I think) and also New York, where the story is supposed to be based, but the studio was Pinetree, just outside London. That's probably why it was released in Europe before the USA, but it did not seem to have any UK influence.

So like a comic book, do not expect realism, just let yourself go with the implausible story lines and stunts and enjoy it. It keeps a reasonable pace throughout, but flags a little just before the end though you can sense that its just winding up to the finale. Plenty of mindless excessive violence and a short clip with strobe lighting which I personally feel does not work too well on screen compared to real life. There is even a little gratuitous sex but its not a raunchy movie, just teenage comic stuff.

If you like comics you will probably like this movie. Its a nice 'bit of fun'.

Ninja Assassin

2009-12-16T12:42:00.000-08:00

This is a bad movie, but I say that with love. Ninja Assassin harkened (yes I said harkened, that’s how old I am) back to a more peaceful time, my childhood and my beloved Bruce Lee movies. I remember it so fondly…my much older, therefore making them appear very worldly and sophisticated; cousins would take me to see Bruce Lee movies. The three of us would walk to our local theatre (we were all around ten years old-can you imagine?) my oldest cousin David would purchase our tickets and sometimes if we had enough money we’d get popcorn and a beverage to share-it was wonderful. I’m not certain that I should have been seeing a Bruce Lee film at such a young age, nevertheless, I remember it fondly. Ninja Assassin doesn’t pack the same campy punch (I had to do it!) as a classic Bruce Lee film, but so what I say! I was in dire need of some Christmas spirit and really, how else am I supposed to get some? If not with excessive amounts of blood and gore, what then? Hey-you have your childhood memories I have mine!

So, throw caution to the wind, bundle up the kids and take em to see Ninja Assassin, sure they’ll have nightmares, but so did I and look how swell I turned out!

The Blind Side

2009-11-22T21:05:00.000-08:00

I feel I must offer a disclaimer before reviewing The Blind Side, so here goes: I enjoy reviewing movies that I don't like, truth be told it’s what I live for, I find it difficult to review something I actually enjoy (case in point Julie and Julia-a delicious film-and I could not bring myself to write about it) I'd also like to point out that I realize I am a bit of a cynic-OK-not a "bit of" rather a full fledged cynic. Which made me wonder? Have I really reached a point that I have become so hardened and perhaps bitter I can no longer enjoy a nice happy film?
NOPE!
I thoroughly enjoyed The Blind Side, yes it was sappy (I cried) and yes it was predictable, but so what! It’s the holiday’s people! Live it up! Go ahead, strap on the popcorn feedbag, get that over sized box of candy and wash it all down with a giant soda, ENJOY yourself! I’m not saying The Blind Side will change your life-look at me-I’m still the same bitter evil bitch I’ve always been but even I need a night off! The Blind Side is perfectly timed holiday fare, nobody’s gonna win an Oscar for this one, but so what? Sandra Bullock does step out of her usual comfort zone although not so far that she is unrecognizable-we know it’s you under the blond wig (which is FAB by the way!) and dare I say I loved the kid (Jae Head-who knew?) I’m not a big kid fan, but a good performance is a good performance and the kid brings it! The biggest surprise for me was Tim McGraw-who knew he could act? I pegged him for a Hallmark Christmas movie kinda guy at best, but he has some actual acting chops.

So there you have it, short and sweet, this is a nice, warm hearted, feel good movie perfectly timed for the holidays and it’s about time.

And now I’m off to see 2012-I just know I’m gonna hate it…YIPPIE!

Paranormal Activity

2009-10-18T22:12:00.000-07:00

I will not trash Paranormal Activity, I won’t say I liked it but I didn’t flat out hate it-and that counts for something in my book! What I liked about Paranormal Activity was the fact that it wasn’t all glitz and glam (in other words the Hollywood machine didn’t get to it and ruin it) I also liked its stars (demon included) I liked that they seemed like “normal” people. I liked them so much in fact that I wasn’t going to IMDB them; I was going to live with my delusion, that they really were just two normal human beings that happened upon a movie set-Ohhh well, that didn’t last. Allow me to introduce Katie Featherston and Micah Sloat, two normal looking actors Halleluiah! Who would have thunk it? Two normal people starring in a movie? What’s next, Ugly Vampires?

But I digress, Paranormal Activity won’t live up to its hype (unless you’re under 25-if so-this is YOUR movie) for those of us over 25-who am I kidding- over 35 “been there, done that”, but that’s ok So what if the camera “work” did make me a little queasy at times and I can’t say I wasn’t bored (so what was it I liked about this?) I liked that it was different; it didn’t follow the “formula” no slick movie star to save the day, no car chase, no happy Hollywood ending-it was what it was-a nice little scary (kinda) movie. Hey, its Halloween, Paranormal Activity is timely if nothing else and as a lover of all things Halloween I’ll take Paranormal Activity over Blair Witch any day!

District 9

2009-09-08T17:25:00.000-07:00

I hate, hate, hate all things alien! I do not like movies or television shows about them, I do not like Halloween decorations depicting them (everyone knows Halloween is for Zombies-not Aliens) they have no place on our planet! No matter how “human” they appear to be, they will always take off their human masks and reveal their slimy true identities-yes I know it’s an irrational fear-but isn’t that what all fear is? Irrational? (I’m also afraid of werewolves and vampires-hence the irrational. Don’t judge me, I just read about someone who has a fear of smiley faces! )

Based solely on my hatred of all things alien I should hate District 9, and I kinda did, but not exactly. Even though I am not a fan of the alien I am a fan of good movies-make that great movies-and District 9 does not disappoint. District 9 is a GREAT movie!

I understand District 9 is not for everybody-it wasn’t exactly for me-but damn this movie was exceptional on every level. The lead actor Sharlto Copley (Wikus Van De Merwe) was OUTSTANDING! His transformation from low-level cube dwelling geek to unlikely hero was nothing short of amazing! I’m not saying I wasn’t completely unnerved by his transformation from human to prawn-I was-but I can look past that and appreciate the work that went into that transformation.

This brings me to what absolutely made this movie for me. The visual effects! They were, without a doubt the best I have ever seen-they made the effects in Harry Potter look ridiculous. (And NO I will not apologize for saying that!) I despised the alien/prawns, they were disgusting, they were difficult to look at, and that’s what made it so good-they were believable! Truly! I fully expect to see one of them walking around the neighborhood any day now! Somebody get me a Valium, I feel a panic attack coming on just thinking about them!

The sad thing about District 9 is the lack of promotion for this film-its relying on word of mouth and that's just depressing. Remember when Interview with the Vampire came out? Remember all the hype? Tom Cruise is Lestat de Lioncourt; he is “transformed” into a vampire! Baloney, even though-as I mentioned-also hate vampires, I went to see this miraculous transformation. And ya know what? It was Tom with some fake teeth and a bad dye job. He was never a “vampire” it was all blood/gore and fake teeth-it the same thing I see at the haunted houses every Halloween-fake-fake-fake. District 9, was real-real-real! Come on Hollywood-show some love and show it with big fat wads of cash-promote this film!

Last but certainly not least…

Lest you think the allegory that was the story of District 9 was wasted on my simple little mind-I assure you it was not. District 9 has a very clear message; I hated the message more than I hated the aliens. There are unspeakable tragedies in the world District 9 brings one of those tragedies right to the surface-immediately-it shoves it down your throat-it cannot be ignored-and yet it is……what does that say about us?

There is true genius here. You may not like the story, you may not even like the “characters” but you should recognize a great work of art, this is art, this is movie making at its very best!

Thank you Neill Blomkamp and Terri Tatchell, I anxiously await your next project!

The Ugly Truth is aptly titled-it’s really, really UGLY!

2009-07-30T20:57:00.000-07:00

“If you put lipstick on a pig, it’s still a pig” Katherine Heigl you are one spurious pig. I am so disappointed in you; there was a time in the not so distant past that I had respect for you. You seemed to be a barometer for Hollywood, calling “them” out so to speak, on their shit. Now you seem to be right at home with “them”. How many times have we heard you spout off about Shonda Rhimes because she didn’t give you enough to do? And wasn’t that you on Letterman complaining about working a 17 hour day? Oh pardon me-I believe it wasn’t just the 17 hour day-it was that plus your meager ONE HOUR lunch break! Oh the humanity! How did you survive?! Please allow me to give you one giant reality bitch slap-cause honey need it!! So, Shonda hasn’t written you any epic Emmy winning dialogue lately-but guess what genius-she’s still writing for you! Are you following me here dumbass? YOU ARE EMPLOYED! Kindly shut the fuck up before they decide to replace you with a coal miner. They work 17 hour days-they DO NOT get an hour for lunch-they DO NOT have craft service provide their lunch-they DO NOT have hair and makeup people-they DO NOT have assistants at their beck and call. They live in the real world with the rest of us, so you need to count your lucky stars that someone (Ms. Rhimes) still gives you something to do! I know if I were her-Izzy would die-not a slow agonizing-possibly Emmy winning death-NO-I’d kill ya off real quick-off camera “Poor Izzy, how horrible that she died in that bizarre ice-fishing accident” I smell Emmy and it ain’t yours!

You are officially one of “them” you are a SELL OUT! This movie sucked out loud, it wasn’t even tolerable as a nice little romcom-it was downright painful! You had ZERO chemistry with Gerard Butler (how is that even possible-maybe he could sense the bitch oozing from your pores) the “acting” if you can call it that was pitiable. The writing-ahem-writing? I only use the word writing because it denotes that something was indeed written-however-just because someone writes something does not mean it is fit for human consumption. This is what I call movie bulimia-if I could have gone home and thrown it back up I would have!

The Ugly Truth that has got to be the best movie title ever, it was Ugly and the truth is, so are you.

Surveillance

2009-07-19T22:50:00.000-07:00

This is one deceptive, twisted, carny freak show movie. Surveillance is uncomfortable its disturbing in more ways than one and I'm not talking about the gratuitous violence. I am not a gore aficionado in general, don't get me wrong, I appreciate the art of gore, the planning, the mold making, the blood packs exploding. What I do not like is gore for the sake of gore, I don't need to see a beheading just to see blood squirt from the neck-it gets old-been there seen that a thousand times. The violence in Surveillance makes sense for the plot, we need to see it, dare I say its helpful, we are given insight into the killers twisted minds-they kill for the sheer thrill of killing-no pretense here.

Surveillance also boasts outstanding casting, albeit, unique Bill Pullman and Julia Ormond are-well-lets just say they serve up a big cup a crazy, their performances are inspired. Pell James gives an outstanding performance here, its not to be missed. And French Stewart, what can I say about French, who knew the man had range? He is disgusting, painful to watch, no Harry Solomon here. Kudos to Hollywood for giving us something a little different, Surveillance isn't a cookie cutter movie, sure you'll probably figure it out within the first 20 minutes its not rocket science, but it isn't the same old crap either. I can't say its the best movie I've seen, but I give it credit for originality, sure I was bored at times but in an odd way it was worth it for the end, I do sooooo want to give it away so I will! Stop reading if you really don't want to know..you know you do.....everyone except the little girl dies! Now that's something different (take note Nick Cage-no need to annihilate our entire planet) Pullman and Ormond are truly insane, they get such a high from killing they do it with pure unadulterated glee, theirs is a love story like no other, sure they show it in a unique way but who can argue with love. OK, so you can argue with it, but it wouldn't help. I hate to say this but the way they "off" Pells character is inspired, I've never seen that before.

I've read the unflattering reviews for Surveillance, I get it, a bunch of elitist who figured it out within the first twenty or so minutes and then they were bored. Oh please, give me a break, nobody said this was The Usual Suspects, it doesn't pretend to be so take it for what it is, sure it does drag at times but look at the actors, there are genuinely good performances here, give it some credit for inspired casting! And don't tell me you weren't surprised at the "traffic scene" when the van "arrives" I don't care who you are, there is no way you saw that coming. Appreciate the blood the pure carnage, appreciate the sheer joy of watching Sherri Oteri being killed, how can you not love that!

Ease up snobs, Surveillance is unique, take it for what its worth don't over analyze, who knows maybe M. Knights working on a sequel to I See Dead People-then again, you're probably so smart you figured that out within the first five minutes-good for you geniuses!

Public Enemies aka Michael Manns version of historical events.

2009-07-08T11:03:00.000-07:00

I've said it before I'll say it again, I do not mind checking my brain at the door for a good movie-hell even a bad movie i.e. Vin Diesel-Fast & Furious-why not?! If Vin wants to save the world in a muscle t-shirt who am I to argue (I embrace the fact that I am shallow). What I will not do is check my brain for a movie that depicts a real live person. Dillinger is a part of American history, his life is well documented, perhaps Michael Mann should have read some of this documentation before he simply "made up" this movie. I understand trying to depict Dillinger’s entire life would have been a daunting task; however is it too much to ask that Mann stick to at least some of the facts? Enemies is two hours long, surely he could have found time for at least one factual event. Maybe I'm being too harsh, there were some realish events, however they were not in order of occurrence and they were mostly inaccurate. Why make a movie without checking the facts? (Then again this is Hollywood-who needs facts) Even at the very end of the movie, dare I say one of the most famous end scenes in history, Mann just makes it up! I'm sorry but that pisses me off, I'm no history buff and I'm admittedly not that smart-but-even I knew the correct ending! Dillinger is set up at the theatre by a woman wearing a red dress NOT an orange skirt and white blouse! He is also killed in the alley AND last but not least he has no dying last words! God forbid-if Mann didn't make up Dillinger’s last words we would never gotten to see the riveting last scene: Billie gets the message from the man that shot Dillinger (meanwhile no ONE man ever took credit for shooting him) but I digress-had it not been for that bit of fabrication we wouldn't have seen that tear run down Billie’s cheek. Please, someone give me a tissue, it was so touching, I wept for days.
Why am I complaining, I for one am anxiously awaiting the next Mann project, I believe it’s a biopic on Anne Frank-The Later Years, apparently she did not die, in fact she and her entire family escape. Rumor has it that someone was able to smuggle in sub-machine guns there by allowing Anne and her family to escape. I hear her descendants are now living quiet, prosperous lives in Uzbekistan. I think I also heard Angelia Jolie is going to portray Mann’s ass kicking version of Frank-I can't wait for that.

Enemies, isn't a bad movie, it’s just not a good movie. Visually, it’s fabulous, the costume design and set design are exceptional, these talented individuals did their homework/research (note to Michael Mann, if they did it-so can you big guy) Depp and Bale-well, they're Depp and Bale, nothing new here, in fact they were just average, I actually prefer Depp drunk with some eyeliner-I did say I was shallow.

Finally, a word to Christian Bale (I’m sorry-make that Mr. Asshole) the next time you decide to berate someone on the set of YOUR movie, why don't you pick the director-why don’t you scream at him for making shit up thereby making you look like a bigger ass than you already are!

The Proposal

2009-06-21T22:10:00.000-07:00

ADORABLE!
Yes it’s a TOTAL cliché, yes it’s the same predictable modus operandi Hollywood has been feeding us FOREVER! And yes I've read all the bad reviews but ya know what? I liked it! I couldn't have been more surprised. I knew the premise going in-same-same-same boy meets girl-sort of- they hate each other and fall in love-how original, but here’s the thing there was something new here. It wasn’t completely cookie cutter, the script was funny (we’re still quoting some of the lines) and in the particularly adept hands of Bullock and Reynolds this makes for a nice little movie. Bullock and Reynolds have chemistry and let’s face it; they’re good at what they do. Proposal was a dichotomy of sorts-the same formulaic bland plot mixed with real humor-who knew? The Proposal isn’t rocket science and that’s OK, sometimes I don't want rocket science sometimes when I'm checking my brain at the door I say so what! If I can check my brain to watch Vin Diesel race around in a muscle shirt saving the world, well I can certainly check it and look at some pretty people, (especially when one of them is parading around in my beloved Louboutin shoes) all while falling in love. I hate to admit it but I'm a sap-this is sappy i.e. "loved it"! I'm a sucker for a good love story, I loved it when Fred met Ginger and I love it now. OK-not always, but this time they did it right. First of all how can you go wrong with Reynolds? His delivery is spot on, pure unadulterated wicked sarcasm, this is something I relate to-that and the man is F.I.N.E! Bullock is sweet-as always, nothing new there. Then again, there was something new here; I laughed out loud, the audience laughed out loud and that is a rare commodity these days (hell marginally acceptable is rare at the movies these days) and the icing on this delicious cake is Reynolds-as I said the man is FINE! He is so freaking beyond fine it’s not even funny (Have you seen him on the covers of Entertainment Weekly? WOW! YUMMY! OMG! DELICIOUS!) Go get the magazine if you haven't' seen it. I'm having mine framed-no my husband doesn't mind-he's man enough to acknowledge Reynolds hotness! So there you have it-I liked a movie albeit a formulaic, movie that's been done a thousand times over but every once in a while they get it right.
Thank you Hollywood just when I was losing faith. Who am I kidding, I may be able to tune into my inner sap every now and again, but deep down, I'm a nasty, hard to please cynical bitch. Keep that in mind when you’re working on Wade Wilson. I expect a great movie and lots of Reynolds-preferably shirtless-did I mention I’m also shallow.

The Taking of Phelham 123

2009-06-19T10:23:00.000-07:00

I could take it or leave it, I didn't hate it but I didn't love it and I REALLY wanted to love it. Denzel is Denzel, as always his performance was stellar and Travolta is always good as a bad guy. No Vinnie Barbarino here, this guy is angry and somebody must pay, sadly its the audience. I know the reviews for this have been extremely favorable but-isn't there always a but? But-REALLY? Why? I mean its not like we don't know whats going to happen going in-good triumphs over evil-always. Blah, blah, blah give me something new! I'd consider that last statement a spoiler if I thought there was a person on the planet that didn't know how this would end. Does anyone really think he gets away with it? He doesn't and that sucks! Sure he kills people-these things happen-but- he had an escape plan-he gets out-he had something like 300 million plus a sack full of cash for his troubles! Come on! He could have-would have handed out wads of cash and gone anywhere! I know if I had been his cabbie, I would have taken him (but thats just me-full of love and kindness-its not like I could have known he was a killer-ok I would have known-but still-ya need a ride for ten grand-get in!)

There are no surprises here, bad guys, good guys, bad guy loses in the end. The least they could have done was had the subway car jump the track (they kept saying "its gonna jump the track) and then it miraculously didn't-no fair! Give me some blood and guts! They had no problem hurling a police car into mid air and plowing the other bad guys full of bullets-so why not let the train derail and fly into Coney Island? (oh yeah, then it would be Final Destination 20) Oh well, dare to dream.

I will say I enjoyed Gandolfini as the mayor, he was a dick and a half ( I wonder how much of it was acting?) real or not, he was good, he could have easily been the bad guy, However, since I do happen to think he's a dick (just my opinion) the ending may not have bothered me so much, it would have been nice to see him gunned down. My biggest problem with Phelham was the end are we REALLY supposed to believe Mr. Nice guy-Denzels character hunts down Travolta and then kills him? Noooo way! Not one person on the planet would have gone that far. He was out of danger-bad guy on his merry way and Denzel takes it upon himself-to first "steal" a car from an unsuspecting driver, take chase in stolen vehicle and then on foot only to wind up ALONE (with every cop in the city looking for him) on a bridge (the cops do show up-but its Denzel that MUST kill Travolta) Nope, I'm not buying it, the man had a family, why would he risk it all to take down one bad ass? The icing on this cake had to be the obligatory scene with John Tutrro (the hostage negotiator-he gets a guy killed-nice) hes in a helicopter watching this all go down, once Travolta has been iced (one bullet no less-shot by a man that didn't know where the safety is on a gun) Tuturro flies by and gives the "nod" the little "good work" nod. Seriously? Does that make it all better, Denzel did his job and he gets "the nod" goodie.
Wait-I lie-the icing on the cake-or maybe the flowers is last scene when we see Denzel walking down the street-all happy (he should have been skipping) with his carton of milk (don't tell me you didn't see the previews! "I don't care what you do-bring home a gallon of milk") WTF? We all know the drill, he'd be a hero now thereby making him and insta-celeb which means the press would have been all over him. But nooooo he simply strolls off (sorry takes his beloved subway home) picks up some milk along the way (and nobody recognizes him? AND he's just left alone-nope-no way-NO!
No thanks Phelham, sorry not for me, I'll drive, I'm not a mass transit kinda chick.

Angels, Demons,Mr. Symbols & The Caramel Apple

2009-05-17T15:07:00.000-07:00

Tom Hanks saves the day and the Vatican, oh happy day. Don't get me wrong, its not like I wanted anything bad to happen to the Vatican, but a Symbolist saves the day? All the time-every time-alone? The Swiss police can't do it, the Italian police can't do it but a Symbolist can? Call me crazy (and many have) but if I'm ever involved in a Vatican,Pope,murder conspiracy, I'd appreciate it if somebody would call the police and not a Symbolist. I take that back, feel free to call Mr. Symbols, I'm sure if I killed the Pope I'd need all the help I could get. I'm not saying anyone kills the Pope here-or maybe they do? That would be just wrong of me to reveal that, now wouldn't it? Then again, if you read the book you know anyway.

And now for something different, I didn't hate this movie. I will say I wanted more, I wanted more drama, suspense, information, intrigue-more. What I got was ok, it was implausible at times and I'm not talking about the belief in God here, I'm talking about Tom saving the day, dodging bullets, running all over the Vatican solving everything.
Tom Hanks figures it out, scampers off with his physicist gal Friday at his side saving the day at every turn. I just wondered if they have 911 in the Vatican? Even when he has a police escort he ends up alone in peril-alive? The police don't fare as well here, in fact, if I were a cop and Mr. Symbols needed an escort-I'd call in sick. I'm all for serving with honor but hanging out with this guys a death sentence. No thank you.

But I digress, how can you go wrong with Tom Hanks, who doesn't love him? He's adorable, he's Oscar worthy, whats to complain about? I'm glad I asked, I know I said I liked it and I did mostly. but I was bored. Bored, bored, bored and I figured it out immediately, I hate that. I figured it out during one of the very first scenes-ok I'm lying-I knew before I went in. The previews gave it away-anyway,there is a MOMENT in the end that almost made me doubt myself and then poof there he was again, the baddy-too easy. I didn't like that. If somebody like me can figure it out, especially, when I didn't read the books, surely that's too easy! Note to casting directors, don't cast the guy we know will be THE bad guy, go for something original. Tom Hanks would be a good bad guy, you wouldn't see that coming.

I should have paid five bucks for this one and thats only because I love Tom and Ewan, once again, Hollywood, you're welcome-I accept the fact that I am your bitch.
BTW, the Caramel Apple does it!

Obsessed

2009-05-05T15:14:00.000-07:00

Obsessed is one of the best comedies I’ve seen in a long time! What’s that you say, Obsessed is not a comedy? Huh? Well, I laughed and it was certainly funnier than most movies I’ve seen lately-so for me-comedy. And it was only five bucks, definitely worth the price of admission. I also got a beverage and small popcorn, which makes this a huge winner for me! Oh yeah, the movie (sorry I’m a popcorn whore-I’m easily swayed) Obsessed is absurd, mindless, stupid fun, I really did laugh out loud. I understand this was a “drama” I get it, but it was funny even if it didn’t mean to be. Obsessed is predictable: Psycho chick "falls" for handsome executive, drama ensues, Beyonce kicks ass, all is well. I can live with that.

However, what I cannot live with is Beyonce as a “serious” actress. She can sing, dance and sure she looked pretty parading around in her Christian Louboutin heels and Dereon jeans, but she’s not an actress. I did not like her in Dream Girls (really, an Oscar nod? What were they thinking?) And I did not like her “acting” in this. That being said; I did enjoy her big “dramatic” scene. She gets to kick Larters ass, it was pure unadulterated fun, but it wasn't acting. I truly think B would kick the shit out anyone that messed with her man. I like that in a woman, I am that woman, that doesn't make me an actress.
The real acting was left to the real actors. Larter is the Meryl Streep of psycho chicks. This woman so deftly glides between doe-eyed, lip quivering victim to insane psycho chick, she gave me chills and made me laugh at the same time. And Idris, well, what can I say, he’s gorgeous to look at, and he can act, whether he’s on the big screen or on the Office the man delivers. I’m sure his greatest performance came when they told him he’d be playing opposite Beyonce. Now that must have been have been one hell of an acting job.

And now for my favorite part of the movie and my bone of contention, I thoroughly loved the product placement! This was my kinda product placement. First up, Christian Louboutin shoes, the red soles are everywhere-I love-love-love a Louboutin sighting! Second, Burberry, red trench-fabulous! I'm not sure but I also think I spotted a Birkin bag! Be still my heart if it was, because that’s as close as I am ever gonna get. However,my major bone of contention; the temp wore the Louboutins and the Burberry. Um, excuse me, I've temped A LOT, and I do not own Louboutins or a Burberry coat. (Yes, I know Bitter party of one) This is where I draw the line, I will check my mind at the door, I will pretend Beyonce is an actress, but I will not, I repeat, will not accept a temp that can afford Louboutins shoes and a Burberry trench! Thats just pure science fiction!

Wolverine Rocks!

2009-05-02T22:00:00.000-07:00

Since I am not a professional movie reviewer, I get to say this: Hugh Jackman is YUMMY! Is there anything Hugh Jackman can't do? He sings, he dances, he's Wolverine! My God the man is practically perfection! Add an equally Pectorific Ryan Reynolds to this delicious concoction and you've got some of the best eye candy Hollywood has to offer. If I didn't know better I'd think this was a chick flick and let me tell you this chick is happy! OK, all drooling aside I thoroughly enjoyed this movie. Its not your typical "check the brain at the door fare" it had a story to tell and I enjoyed the story. However, I would like to point out that my comic book aficionado husband says there were GAPING holes in the plot and it did not follow the comic book. He's right, but guess what? I don't read comics! For me it was good, I know there were gaping holes in the plot/time lines etc, I was aware of that and yet I was still entertained. Wolverine is action packed from beginning to end, never a dull moment, this movies moves! I recommend Wolverine to all non-comic geeks. Hugh Jackman IS Wolverine, he delivers a stellar performance, Liev as Saber Tooth does some of his best creepy menacing, since Scream. This is one movie I did not mind paying full price for, I had fun, I was entertained, that's all I've been asking for Hollywood! You entertain me without insulting my intelligence, you don't pretend to be somethng you're not and I give you money for doing this-its a fair exchange! And thank you for giving me a scantily clad Hugh, I'm pretty sure I'm shallow enough to pay any price to see that!

The Soloist

2009-04-24T22:09:00.000-07:00

The Soloist is a fine movie, nothing complicated, no frills; it’s a nice simple movie. I liked it, there I said it, I liked a movie. I was never bored, I was never on the edge of my seat either and that’s ok, this movie “is what it is” and I appreciate that. Downy gives a deftly understated performance; he captures all the intricacies of a man lost in his world. Foxx sincerely portrays a man trapped in his world. I have personal experience with this illness, I find most movies either make fun of mental illness or dismiss it. This movie brought it out from the shadows; put it on the screen for all to see, perhaps for all to understand a little better. They gave mental illness a face; they allowed us into a world seldom seen. They captured the true heartache, the isolation, the pain, and the sheer unpredictability of this insidious illness. For that I say thank you. Thank you for allowing the world a little glimpse into this life. Its complicated loving someone suffering with mental illness but it’s not impossible; it’s also not for the faint of heart. This movie showed us that, but it also showed that it’s worth it, love does make a difference.
Thank you.

Fast Furious Fun!

2009-04-19T13:58:00.000-07:00

Fast & Furious, pure mindless and I do mean MINDLESS fun. Why not!? After all the dreadful movies I’ve seen lately I needed a "check your brain at the door" flick and F&F delivers. I am in no way even close to being the target audience for F&F but I liked it nonetheless. What’s not to like, Vin Diesel, does some of his best grimacing while donning sleeveless shirts, call me crazy but I love me some beefcake! So what if the acting...."acting" wasn't Meryl or Diniro, there was plenty of action, things blowing up, scantily clad women and did I mention Vin's bulging biceps? It’s all good! So what if it’s not Oscar worthy. There should be a category for "It Is What It Is" movies. F&F has no pretense, what you see is what you get-pretty people, pretty cars and a little plot thrown in for good measure.

Do you hear that Hollywood? This movie had an actual P.L.O.T! Maybe it was dumbed down A LOT, but there was a plot. Someone came up with a beginning, middle and end (and of course a sequel tease) but still-if the individual that "wrote" this, can figure it out, why can't the rest of you follow through and do the same? I want characters, dialogue and a plot! Let me point out, that I in no way expect, perfection (not every movie can be Fight Club). And I admit, sometimes, I don't even want to engage my brain. But I do want something more than adlibbing, overpaid "actors" that think they are funny, clever or engaging enough to make me want to sit through their movie. If I want truly funny, clever and engaging I’ll hang out with my extremely funny, wickedly sarcastic and highly engaging friends. Call us if you want some ideas-we’ll be home NOT going to your overpriced, pretentious movies.

Having said that...one of my fabulous friends would like to see 17 Again tonight…..they say it’s because their child wants to go. I can’t deny a child? That would be wrong, I am obligated to go. I would like to clarify that I do this under extreme duress…..Damn you Zac Efron and your hypnotic green eyes! Damn you!

Observe & Report. Painful, truly Painful.

2009-04-13T22:25:00.000-07:00

Here is what a real critic had to say-and it ain't good either.
http://www.ifc.com/news/2009/03/sxsw-2009-how-did-we-get-away.php

Shock and awe, I am virtually speechless. This movie is inexcusable. I have seen some intensely appalling movies, I even admit to subjecting myself to them simply because I want movie popcorn. However, Observe and Report is, in a word: inexcusable. I chose this movie because I like dark humor; I understand and appreciate dark humor and I fully expected dark humor. Humor being the operative word, was nowhere to be found. Then again what do I know? I thought you needed good actors and a plot to make a movie.

I would like to point out that I AM a fan of Eastbound and Down, Danny McBride is genuinely funny. His portrayal of Kenny Powers as a failed baseball great is superb; his ability to showcase Kenny’s sad, pathetic, angry life with such depth AND humor is truly remarkable. Add to that the mostly positive reviews and the comparisons to E&D I was all in. I was fully cognizant that this might not be a movie for the masses but I foolishly thought I’d “get” the humor. I did not. There is NO humor to be found in this absurd, graphic, violent, uneven mess of a movie? If this movie had been a drama, I’d say Rogens performance as Ronnie was dead on; he nailed bipolar disorder with narcissistic tendencies, depression and delusions of grandeur. What he was unable to do was find the humor in mental illness, I know that may sound harsh, but, trust me, and there is humor to be found in mental illness.

As far as Ray Liotta and Anna Faris, why-why-why would such talented actors associate themselves with such trash? How can taking part in such an astronomical debacle be justified? How much money did they make? I want/need money as much as anyone, but even I would have said no to this movie and I’m a self-proclaimed money whore (please click on the ads you see while reading this!) NO should have been their answer. What can they say to their parents, children, their friends (I’d suggest they reevaluate their “friends” any friend that said this was a good idea is NOT your friend)

This monstrosity was nothing more than adolescent boys with power and money. Apparently the Hollywood machine has led them to believe they have talent. They are in dire need of a reality check, so here ya go-What you are is disturbed, immature and I’m guessing you have tiny, tiny dicks, because you are clearly overcompensating for something. I hate to break it to you but humor-real humor requires intelligence, I understand mindless falling down humor, but you were clearly going for something more. Next time don’t bother do something constructive-my suggestion-get a lobotomy.

What I feel is even more disturbing than the actual movie are the above average reviews. On what level can this be considered a good movie? It’s not even an average movie, did we see them same movie? Was it funny when Brandi got drunk ate tranquilizers, puked, was raped (oh sorry I mean had sex) with Ronnie while lying on a puke filled pillow as he plowed away at her? Oh wait, maybe the scene that pits Ronnie against his nemesis? The dialogue was epic, I’m sure we’ll all quote it for years to come, say it with me now. “Fuck you! No fuck you! No fuck you! No fuck you!” Wow! Is that good writing or what?

And last but not least, we have the best scene in the entire movie; surely this is what critics everywhere are raving about. Our hero, Ronnie saves the day! He takes down his rival (literally) and saves the mall! At long last, this “pervert” (or as we called them back in the day-streaker) has met his match! What riveting drama, I was on the edge of my seat. How would this bitter rivalry end?! Oh wait, my bad, my mind drifted to Grand Torino.

Where was I? Stupidity-adolescent humor-people with more money than sense-men with tiny dicks and brains to match-OK, I’m back. A fat naked man is running gleefully through the mall (speaking of men with tiny dicks) what will our hero do? HE GETS HIS GUN AND SHOOTS HIM POINT BLANK. Nice. Blood everywhere, I swear, how do they come up with this stuff? Hilarious! I laughed my ass off. Can you blame me? How anyone could be expected to hold back as a fat naked man is shot at the mall-at the cosmetic counter no less-genius! The sheer amount of blood alone was enough to have me LMAOROTF. My stomach hurts from laughing SO hard. (Just in case it wasn’t as obvious, that was sarcasm, sometimes sarcasm can be funny. REMEMBER THAT Seth Rogen and Jody Hill)

Finally, to the IDIOT /MORON that decided to green light this "movie" you know who you are -you owe me money! You should hang your head in shame.

BTW I looked up Idiot and Moron-just for fun (much to my surprise Jody Hill and Seth Rogen are not pictured) Just in case they don’t read this, will someone please forward this to them? Make sure they read it in front of a mirror-I want to be certain they know exactly what they are:

an idiot is a stupid person with a mental age below three years, while a moron is a stupid person with a mental age of between seven to twelve years

NO Adventure!

2009-04-06T20:37:00.000-07:00

Dear Hollywood Movie Making Idiots, I’m getting tired of telling you the same thing over and over, you're like a petulant child that does not listen.

Where to begin? Well, I could thank you for coming all the way over here to our little town to film your big, fancy movie, really, thank you, we here in podunkville love it when you come into town. We especially love it when you belittle our town, our "simple" little meaningless lives, our apparently "less than" Universities and our mundane existence. Yeah, we love that. What fools you must imagine we are to think Pittsburgh is a good place to live(I was born and raised in this town,I don't like it here, not one bit, never have, never will) However, since I was born here it’s my right as a Pittsburgher to pick on my town, I’ve earned it,you have NOT! How dare you, my family lives here, my friends live here, they are good people, they are intelligent, they are kind and they love this town. It infuriates me that you think it’s ok to come here-throw us a bone, so to speak and insult the town, the people, our very existence! We are more than just a "steel town" we haven't been a "steel town" for a long time. Do your homework! Would it have killed you to show ONE beautiful shot of the city? Instead you showed the world smoke stacks and misery.

Guess what?! We're not miserable, the city is pretty, we are intelligent people and we would like it if you would tell the truth about us! If a movie was made about Hollywood, do you think we'd expect to see a town full of vapid, talentless, over-injected, siliconed, spray tanned, useless drones? Wait, sorry, my bad. How preposterous of me to think you have anything more to offer.

You also slighted the University of Pittsburgh, yes; we know it’s not Harvard; however your characters refusal to even consider Pitt as an option is insulting. I understand he wanted New York, he’d planned for New York this was his dream. Nevertheless, life happens, things change, would it really have been so terrible if he’d gone to Pitt? I’ve heard some people that went to school here went on to do great things; didn’t someone find a cure for some disease here? No, couldn’t be, not in Pittsburgh. Then again what do I know, I’m well educated and I was dumb enough to pay to see this movie. Clearly you are the smart ones-kudos, well played sir.

By the way, the movie was abysmal, the acting, if you can call it that was pitiful. Kristen Stewart the next big “star”? “The one to watch”? Are you kidding? If you mean “watch her push her hair off her face while showing no emotion whatsoever” she is indeed “the one” to watch. The highlight was Martin Starr, this young man is the one to watch, he was funny, sad, touching, it was almost –I said almost-worth the price to see him.

What I cannot understand is how you managed to take something fun and turn it into something so dour and drab? What is more fun than a mindless summer job shared with friends? You even gave them drugs and alcohol AND still they were sad and pathetic. I have friends that worked at Kennywood doing exactly what your characters did-guess what? They loved it, because it was fun! And then they went off to college-Pitt of course-and they live happily ever after in PITTSBURGH!

Knowing-NO-NO and NO!

2009-03-27T21:52:00.000-07:00

Dear Nicholas Cage,

First of all let me say I am a fan, I've been a fan for a very long time-I'm talking Valley Girl days-I loved you even when you had your original smile. I've been with you ever since, for better or worse, there have been good times and bad, but I stuck with you. Well, I'm sorry to inform you that I am officially terminating our relationship, there is only so much I can take. I cannot sit back and watch you WASTE your exceptional talents.

I'm always happy to support your endeavors, I went along with the National Treasure movies, they were fun, mindless entertainment, I have no problem with that, we all need some mindless fun. I was even with you for Next, it certainly wasn't Matchstick Men, but it was tolerable. I can't say the same for Knowing.

Knowing was the final straw, I'm officially tapping out, I'm done, I can't do it any more. I understand you're an artist, I understand you want to challenge yourself, explore different things. Well, Nick, you certainly, "explored" you really went out on a limb with this one. Sadly, that limb broke off and fell to the ground and smacked you in the face! To say Knowing was PROFOUNDLY bad would be an understatement, this movie aspired to be BAD.

I am fully aware that I am NOT a professional movie critic, the reason I write my little reviews is simple, I see every movie, for better or worse, I can't help myself, I love movies. I DID NOT love Knowing, I did not Like Knowing, in fact, I HATED Knowing.

What was that? I feel I/We, anyone who has seen this movie is owed an explanation (and our money back plus what we spent for snacks-yes it was that bad!) What is it that you're looking for? You seem to be questioning our very existence? You are clearly searching for something? Is it God? A purpose? The meaning of life? Let me tell you something Nick, we're all searching for something. Anything to give our lives some meaning or purpose, no one wants to think we're out her all alone, we all want to believe in a higher power, whatever that power might be. I wish you luck on your journey. But that journey for me ends here.

Because I do know what I'm searching for and it happens to be a good movie! Or at least a funny stupid movie, I respect funny/stupid, they are what they are, they do not aspire to be anything more. I think this is a lesson you need to learn. Be who you are, do what you do best you are a truly gifted actor, ACT! If you feel the need to search for something beyond this life-do it on your own time! See a therapist or the Dahli Lama but stop making bad-bad movies, understand that you have a wonderful life, live in the moment.

And now for the actual movie review: Spoiler Alert-seriously this is the ultimate spoiler alert, if you don't want to know the "end" stop reading now....... Guess what, WE all die! Yes,I said it! WE ALL DIE! I'm not kidding, it has something to do with the sun,how nice for us, we're all instantly cremated, the ultimate ashes to ashes. Its the ultimate doom and gloom and aliens. Yes, I said ALIENS. Or maybe angels,or maybe angels are aliens? Who knows? The point is we all die! All but two children, they go with the alien/angels, I'm not sure where they go,but off they go, up into the sky, oh happy day! But, it doesn't end there, just when you think we've all perished in the fiery inferno, here come the children. They're back! But where are they? Is it earth? Is it an alien/angel planet? Is it heaven? There are rolling fields of wheat and a tree? Is that heaven? Maybe its a version of heaven? Who knows, who cares.

All I know it this, if there is a heaven and I somehow get in, I hope mine is filled with good movies, because I can tell you right now, there is a hell, I was there tonight and I did not like it one bit!

Goodbye Nick, thanks for the memories, say hello to Kevin Costner for me.

I Don't Love You Man

2009-03-22T22:27:00.000-07:00

I Love You Man reminds me of an old boyfriend, I liked him, he was nice enough, we had some laughs, but, in the end he just wasn't satisfying. Quite frankly, I was bored. Maybe its me? Maybe I am high maintenance, whats wrong with that? I want more, NO I deserve more! Call me crazy but this movie should have been more. It certainly had hype, it had a great cast, it had PAUL RUDD! I love Paul, I've always loved Paul, he's Americas version of Hugh Grant, he's cute, adorable, witty and sexy as hell,but he can't do it alone. Give the man something to work with, other than stupid nonsensical ad libs. Sure its funny once, maybe even twice, but is that all you have? And surely Jon Favreau and Jaime Pressly could have been given more to do than play mere "caricatures" of a bitter-angry-ridiculous married couple! Have you seen their work, they're funny! And the sight gags? Really? How many times am I supposed to laugh at projectile vomiting?

Come on Hollywood! Step it up! I realize they can't all be winners, however, in this case you really had all the necessary ingredients to make a good movie. What you gave us was simply mediocre. Have you seen Best in Show? If not-do your homework and see it. This how funny is done, subtle humor, stellar cast-great movie.

I would have-should have paid five dollars for this movie, once again I'm being kind and its only because I do love me some Paul Rudd!

MILK it does a movie good!

2009-03-11T22:25:00.000-07:00

Milk is by far the best movie I've seen this year. I'd say years but I happened to love Sex & the City (so sue me-it was the upper echelon of chick flicks!) Milk is what all movies should strive for, the performances were excellent, the writing, directing the story-fabulous Sean Penn as Harvey Milk is the reason actors act. I often here actors refer to there work as a "craft" let me break it to you "actors" gaining/losing weight, putting in fake vampire teeth for a role does not qualify as a "craft". A true craft is the ability to embody your character-to blur the line between yourself and your character,the ability to show us the true essence of the character. Sean Penn does this with ease as he takes us on the journey of a man who saw the need for change and did something about it. Harvey Milk was an unlikely hero, but a hero nonetheless. Sean Penn was Harvey Milk. His performance is the true meaning of "craft" He is brilliant. In fact, he is the reason the other actors in this film were so outstanding. If you are lucky/talented/privileged enough to be cast in a movie with Sean Penn, you better bring your A game. And bring it they did! James Franco was finally given more to do than be the pretty boy, villain or village idiot. Emile Hirsch, let me say from the moment he appears on screen you realize what "Screen Presence" means he is absolutely captivating. I heard something once about only being as good as your opponent-if you play Serena or Venus-you better step up your game. If you're in a movie with Penn you really step up your game and step it up they did. Thank you Sean Penn, wow, did you deserve your Oscar!

The one truly, truly disturbing aspect of this film is the fact that it is 30 years later and we're still fighting the same battle! Back then Prop 6, today Prop 8, really people? Hey! all the Anita Bryants out there, SHUT UP! God loves all of us! (BTW Anita, one of your kids is gay-they won't tell you-but they are) so its a good thing you apologized for all the HATEFUL, STUPID things you said. However, I am a bit skeptical, you did come to this conclusion after your church shunned you because of your D.I.V.O.R.C.E. How convenient for you. But it is nice to know your home town named a street after you. Good for you, maybe someday-if you're lucky-Sean Penn will walk down that street. Hopefully with a gay friend AND his Oscar. Wouldn't that be rich.

Who Watches The Watchmen?

2009-03-09T21:06:00.000-07:00

This is Dang, Film Shrew's husband, also co-host of Comic Book Pitt, a weekly comic book news, review, and conversation podcast.

Anyway, four friends and I were lucky enough to score passes to a preview of Watchmen, which has already been released and is currently the #1 movie. Directly after the movie, my two friends and I recorded a short podcast reviewing the movie. Enjoy!

Lord Help Me I Like a Fatty!

2009-02-24T22:31:00.000-08:00

Paul Blart Mall Cop, what can I say, stupid, mindless, vacuous, ridiculous-I loved it! Call me crazy, but I love to watch a fatty fall down-OK I like to watch anyone fall down-don't judege me if I were the only one Americas Funniest Home Vides wouldn't be in its gazillionth season! Kevin James has the late John Ritters gift for physicla comedy. He falls down, he rolls, he falls asleep mid sandwich,he fights the bad guys. And he does it all while trying to maintain his dignity as a lowly mall guard. Well, dignity may be a stretch, James and Sandler go for the obvious laughs, and they acheive their goal. James is funny, the movie is stupid, but its not like you don't know that going in, so why not laugh.

Seriously, I defy you not to laugh at Blart on his Seqway, especially when he rolls into a Minivan, its good stuff. Among my favorite scenes, the obligatory movie montage-with a twist-Blart on his Segway for his dating profile. Or the "large" woman who beats him to a pulp in a Victorias Secret store (allthough I did question the validity of this scence-when have you ever seen a big gal in VS? Unless you've seen me buying makeup-I ain't gonna happen!) I defy you not to laugh, perhaps even snort at Blarts antics, his Hello Kitty bandaide for his "wound" was priceless! And his mustache-don't get me started about the "stache" that alone was worth the price of admission.

I am a snob when it comes to movies, I rarely like anything, I make no apologies for this, if I'm spending money I want-NO I expect- to be entertained. Most movies have graniose budgets, big stars, big sets which amount to big expectations and they FAIL, they miss the mark entirely.

Kevin James and Adam Sandler are entertaining, they've made an art form out of stupid (well maybe not art) and I like it! They're work together on I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry was just plain unadulterated fun! I went in with zero expectations and laughed like drunken idiot. I like it and I want more, who needs cocktails when I can have this much fun sober-OK-maybe I've gone to far!

Thank you Happy Madison Productions I needed a good laugh!

Why Liam, WHY?!

2009-02-20T18:52:00.000-08:00

Liam-buddy-say it ain't so-tell me its not true! What have you done?! Is the economy really that bad? Lord help us all if an accomplished, gifted actor such as yourself felt the need to be in such bad, bad movie. Its officially over now, "shitter's full" and we're all going down.

Did you REALLY need the money that much? Fess up, is it drugs, alcohol gambling or are you planning on paying the college tuition for the Brangelia brood? What other plausible-acceptable-reason could there be for an actor with your talents to take on such a craptastic role? Just tell the truth, start a trend for actors everywhere "I DID IT FOR THE MONEY!" My wife likes to shop! We want a bigger home! I felt the need to buy my tenth car/truck/limo/airplane. TELL US THE TRUTH-WE CAN HANDLE IT!! In fact, let me tell you something, I'd actually be OK with paying for your new "whatever" if you did tell the truth! Don't give me the "I read the script and just loved it" speech. I've got news for you, we're not buying it anymore! If I'm going to hand over my hard earned cash to support your wife's shoe habit, I'd like to know that. As Pacino says in Dog Day Afternoon: "I'm robbing a bank because they got money here. That's why I'm robbing it". Don't we deserve the TRUTH? You made the movie CAUSE THEY GOT MONEY THERE! Lets be realistic, we'd all do the same exact thing if we could, we'd take the money and run. Who knows, when I get my movie deal maybe I'll do the same thing. In fact, would you mind sending the "I loved the script/director/actors speech" I'd like to start practicing now-just in case.

In conclusion, I'd like to say you're welcome Liam, I've supported ALL your career choices thus far, I guess I can forgive you this one misstep, but don't let it happen again! I can't afford your wife's shoe addiction (I can barely support my own) so if you feel the need to do a sequel, I'm won't be there for ya buddy.

Using my "what I should have paid for this movie" scale, they should have given me money! Yes it WAS that bad. If I wanted to pay to have my intelligence insulted...wait a minute, I DID pay to have my intelligence insulted, I went to see this movie. I assume my check is in the mail?

PS
Maggie Grace's performance was in a word, ridiculous. What was she thinking? Is everyone on a movie set a "yes man" so to speak? Surely the director could have taken her aside and said WTF! Don't you remember what you were like as a teenager? Its wasn't that long ago, why don't you draw from that? Unless...you were like that as a teenager, annoying, whiny and profoundly stupid. In that case....sorry...for your parents.

Dear Hollywood Movie Making Idiots

2009-02-18T17:37:00.000-08:00

Dear Hollywood Movie Making Idiots,

First of all, let me say I realize I am not your usual target audience, I am not a prepubescent adolescent child. I also do not have a penis, therefore I do not want to see a movie with boobies, boobies, boobies! I would also like to point out that I am not brain dead, which seems to be a prerequisite for seeing your movies. What/who I am is a grown woman with what must be a serious addiction to "butter flavor topping". Otherwise, I have no explanation for my seemingly endless obsession with seeing all of the crapola movies you've been putting out lately. In one week alone I've seen, Taken, He's Just Not That Into You and finally topping off the steaming pile, comes Confessions of a Shopaholic. Seriously? I AM a shopaholic and this is an insult to Shopaholics everywhere! This movie couldn't have been further off the mark, its like having a thrift store full of Gucci, unrealistic and its never gonna happen. And guess what else? all Shopaholics are not cute, spunky girls-who are just a bit "quirky" oh, please spare me. A real Shopahlic is sitting on her couch watching QVC ordering sparkly "Quaker Factory" theme sweaters from the whack-a-do lady with the headbands! We know who we are and are not ashamed to admit it!

I suppose I shouldn't completely trash Shopaholic, as a shopaholic I certainly like to look at pretty things (Ok, I like to BUY pretty things) and Shop did offer the endless parade of pretty things to look at-or was that just self promoting product placement? (Either way, show me anything Prada and I'll drool, I never said I was a reformed shopaholic) but the point is, this was a profoundly bad movie. I understand some movies are meant for entertainment purposes only, I understand the value of a "check your brain at the door" movie, I have no problem with these movies, I've been there done that (Bad Boys ring any bells) will do it again. So why am I so annoyed with Shopaholic? Because, even though I knew it wasn't going to be Hamlet, I honestly thought there would be SOMETHING! Instead you give me another bland cliche rehashing the same pretty boy gets pretty girl, everything works out in the end rubbish. You had a talented actress wandering aimlessly through a mindless movie, given nothing more to do than be cute and quirky (what is quirky anyway and why do we need a movie about it). There was no script to speak of, no real "characters" just one endless unfunny "joke" about shopping? Really? The sad part is this movie had potential, it could have been funny or at least remotely amusing, it could have been a sweet love story, with a real and timely message, no such luck, you blew it.

I want to see a good movie, or at least one that is not so insulting to my intelligence that I feel the need to come home and watch Chelsea Lately for some intellectual stimulation.

In conclusion dear idiots, I will agree to see the majority of your "check your brain at the door" movies if you agree to come up with an original idea! Try something different (remember I See Dead People?) If not, I feel I must warn you. I'll be initiating my world wide movie domination plan: "PAY AT THE END"! This will allow movie goers to pay what they feel the movie was worth AFTER they've seen it I think that's the initiative you need! Had this been an option for Shopaholic I would have,should have paid two dollars and I'm being overly kind with that dollar amount. I originally gave it a whopping dollar, however because I'm in a generous mood and I enjoy looking at pretty things, I threw in an extra buck. You're welcome!

Sincerely

Film Shrew

PS

I know Tina Fey and Diablo are probably busy, but, seriously, try and get an appointment!