Paul Blart Mall Cop, what can I say, stupid, mindless, vacuous, ridiculous-I loved it! Call me crazy, but I love to watch a fatty fall down-OK I like to watch anyone fall down-don't judege me if I were the only one Americas Funniest Home Vides wouldn't be in its gazillionth season! Kevin James has the late John Ritters gift for physicla comedy. He falls down, he rolls, he falls asleep mid sandwich,he fights the bad guys. And he does it all while trying to maintain his dignity as a lowly mall guard. Well, dignity may be a stretch, James and Sandler go for the obvious laughs, and they acheive their goal. James is funny, the movie is stupid, but its not like you don't know that going in, so why not laugh.
Seriously, I defy you not to laugh at Blart on his Seqway, especially when he rolls into a Minivan, its good stuff. Among my favorite scenes, the obligatory movie montage-with a twist-Blart on his Segway for his dating profile. Or the "large" woman who beats him to a pulp in a Victorias Secret store (allthough I did question the validity of this scence-when have you ever seen a big gal in VS? Unless you've seen me buying makeup-I ain't gonna happen!) I defy you not to laugh, perhaps even snort at Blarts antics, his Hello Kitty bandaide for his "wound" was priceless! And his mustache-don't get me started about the "stache" that alone was worth the price of admission.
I am a snob when it comes to movies, I rarely like anything, I make no apologies for this, if I'm spending money I want-NO I expect- to be entertained. Most movies have graniose budgets, big stars, big sets which amount to big expectations and they FAIL, they miss the mark entirely.
Kevin James and Adam Sandler are entertaining, they've made an art form out of stupid (well maybe not art) and I like it! They're work together on I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry was just plain unadulterated fun! I went in with zero expectations and laughed like drunken idiot. I like it and I want more, who needs cocktails when I can have this much fun sober-OK-maybe I've gone to far!
Thank you Happy Madison Productions I needed a good laugh!
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
Why Liam, WHY?!
Liam-buddy-say it ain't so-tell me its not true! What have you done?! Is the economy really that bad? Lord help us all if an accomplished, gifted actor such as yourself felt the need to be in such bad, bad movie. Its officially over now, "shitter's full" and we're all going down.
Did you REALLY need the money that much? Fess up, is it drugs, alcohol gambling or are you planning on paying the college tuition for the Brangelia brood? What other plausible-acceptable-reason could there be for an actor with your talents to take on such a craptastic role? Just tell the truth, start a trend for actors everywhere "I DID IT FOR THE MONEY!" My wife likes to shop! We want a bigger home! I felt the need to buy my tenth car/truck/limo/airplane. TELL US THE TRUTH-WE CAN HANDLE IT!! In fact, let me tell you something, I'd actually be OK with paying for your new "whatever" if you did tell the truth! Don't give me the "I read the script and just loved it" speech. I've got news for you, we're not buying it anymore! If I'm going to hand over my hard earned cash to support your wife's shoe habit, I'd like to know that. As Pacino says in Dog Day Afternoon: "I'm robbing a bank because they got money here. That's why I'm robbing it". Don't we deserve the TRUTH? You made the movie CAUSE THEY GOT MONEY THERE! Lets be realistic, we'd all do the same exact thing if we could, we'd take the money and run. Who knows, when I get my movie deal maybe I'll do the same thing. In fact, would you mind sending the "I loved the script/director/actors speech" I'd like to start practicing now-just in case.
In conclusion, I'd like to say you're welcome Liam, I've supported ALL your career choices thus far, I guess I can forgive you this one misstep, but don't let it happen again! I can't afford your wife's shoe addiction (I can barely support my own) so if you feel the need to do a sequel, I'm won't be there for ya buddy.
Using my "what I should have paid for this movie" scale, they should have given me money! Yes it WAS that bad. If I wanted to pay to have my intelligence insulted...wait a minute, I DID pay to have my intelligence insulted, I went to see this movie. I assume my check is in the mail?
PS
Maggie Grace's performance was in a word, ridiculous. What was she thinking? Is everyone on a movie set a "yes man" so to speak? Surely the director could have taken her aside and said WTF! Don't you remember what you were like as a teenager? Its wasn't that long ago, why don't you draw from that? Unless...you were like that as a teenager, annoying, whiny and profoundly stupid. In that case....sorry...for your parents.
Did you REALLY need the money that much? Fess up, is it drugs, alcohol gambling or are you planning on paying the college tuition for the Brangelia brood? What other plausible-acceptable-reason could there be for an actor with your talents to take on such a craptastic role? Just tell the truth, start a trend for actors everywhere "I DID IT FOR THE MONEY!" My wife likes to shop! We want a bigger home! I felt the need to buy my tenth car/truck/limo/airplane. TELL US THE TRUTH-WE CAN HANDLE IT!! In fact, let me tell you something, I'd actually be OK with paying for your new "whatever" if you did tell the truth! Don't give me the "I read the script and just loved it" speech. I've got news for you, we're not buying it anymore! If I'm going to hand over my hard earned cash to support your wife's shoe habit, I'd like to know that. As Pacino says in Dog Day Afternoon: "I'm robbing a bank because they got money here. That's why I'm robbing it". Don't we deserve the TRUTH? You made the movie CAUSE THEY GOT MONEY THERE! Lets be realistic, we'd all do the same exact thing if we could, we'd take the money and run. Who knows, when I get my movie deal maybe I'll do the same thing. In fact, would you mind sending the "I loved the script/director/actors speech" I'd like to start practicing now-just in case.
In conclusion, I'd like to say you're welcome Liam, I've supported ALL your career choices thus far, I guess I can forgive you this one misstep, but don't let it happen again! I can't afford your wife's shoe addiction (I can barely support my own) so if you feel the need to do a sequel, I'm won't be there for ya buddy.
Using my "what I should have paid for this movie" scale, they should have given me money! Yes it WAS that bad. If I wanted to pay to have my intelligence insulted...wait a minute, I DID pay to have my intelligence insulted, I went to see this movie. I assume my check is in the mail?
PS
Maggie Grace's performance was in a word, ridiculous. What was she thinking? Is everyone on a movie set a "yes man" so to speak? Surely the director could have taken her aside and said WTF! Don't you remember what you were like as a teenager? Its wasn't that long ago, why don't you draw from that? Unless...you were like that as a teenager, annoying, whiny and profoundly stupid. In that case....sorry...for your parents.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Dear Hollywood Movie Making Idiots
Dear Hollywood Movie Making Idiots,
First of all, let me say I realize I am not your usual target audience, I am not a prepubescent adolescent child. I also do not have a penis, therefore I do not want to see a movie with boobies, boobies, boobies! I would also like to point out that I am not brain dead, which seems to be a prerequisite for seeing your movies. What/who I am is a grown woman with what must be a serious addiction to "butter flavor topping". Otherwise, I have no explanation for my seemingly endless obsession with seeing all of the crapola movies you've been putting out lately. In one week alone I've seen, Taken, He's Just Not That Into You and finally topping off the steaming pile, comes Confessions of a Shopaholic. Seriously? I AM a shopaholic and this is an insult to Shopaholics everywhere! This movie couldn't have been further off the mark, its like having a thrift store full of Gucci, unrealistic and its never gonna happen. And guess what else? all Shopaholics are not cute, spunky girls-who are just a bit "quirky" oh, please spare me. A real Shopahlic is sitting on her couch watching QVC ordering sparkly "Quaker Factory" theme sweaters from the whack-a-do lady with the headbands! We know who we are and are not ashamed to admit it!
I suppose I shouldn't completely trash Shopaholic, as a shopaholic I certainly like to look at pretty things (Ok, I like to BUY pretty things) and Shop did offer the endless parade of pretty things to look at-or was that just self promoting product placement? (Either way, show me anything Prada and I'll drool, I never said I was a reformed shopaholic) but the point is, this was a profoundly bad movie. I understand some movies are meant for entertainment purposes only, I understand the value of a "check your brain at the door" movie, I have no problem with these movies, I've been there done that (Bad Boys ring any bells) will do it again. So why am I so annoyed with Shopaholic? Because, even though I knew it wasn't going to be Hamlet, I honestly thought there would be SOMETHING! Instead you give me another bland cliche rehashing the same pretty boy gets pretty girl, everything works out in the end rubbish. You had a talented actress wandering aimlessly through a mindless movie, given nothing more to do than be cute and quirky (what is quirky anyway and why do we need a movie about it). There was no script to speak of, no real "characters" just one endless unfunny "joke" about shopping? Really? The sad part is this movie had potential, it could have been funny or at least remotely amusing, it could have been a sweet love story, with a real and timely message, no such luck, you blew it.
I want to see a good movie, or at least one that is not so insulting to my intelligence that I feel the need to come home and watch Chelsea Lately for some intellectual stimulation.
In conclusion dear idiots, I will agree to see the majority of your "check your brain at the door" movies if you agree to come up with an original idea! Try something different (remember I See Dead People?) If not, I feel I must warn you. I'll be initiating my world wide movie domination plan: "PAY AT THE END"! This will allow movie goers to pay what they feel the movie was worth AFTER they've seen it I think that's the initiative you need! Had this been an option for Shopaholic I would have,should have paid two dollars and I'm being overly kind with that dollar amount. I originally gave it a whopping dollar, however because I'm in a generous mood and I enjoy looking at pretty things, I threw in an extra buck. You're welcome!
Sincerely
Film Shrew
PS
I know Tina Fey and Diablo are probably busy, but, seriously, try and get an appointment!
First of all, let me say I realize I am not your usual target audience, I am not a prepubescent adolescent child. I also do not have a penis, therefore I do not want to see a movie with boobies, boobies, boobies! I would also like to point out that I am not brain dead, which seems to be a prerequisite for seeing your movies. What/who I am is a grown woman with what must be a serious addiction to "butter flavor topping". Otherwise, I have no explanation for my seemingly endless obsession with seeing all of the crapola movies you've been putting out lately. In one week alone I've seen, Taken, He's Just Not That Into You and finally topping off the steaming pile, comes Confessions of a Shopaholic. Seriously? I AM a shopaholic and this is an insult to Shopaholics everywhere! This movie couldn't have been further off the mark, its like having a thrift store full of Gucci, unrealistic and its never gonna happen. And guess what else? all Shopaholics are not cute, spunky girls-who are just a bit "quirky" oh, please spare me. A real Shopahlic is sitting on her couch watching QVC ordering sparkly "Quaker Factory" theme sweaters from the whack-a-do lady with the headbands! We know who we are and are not ashamed to admit it!
I suppose I shouldn't completely trash Shopaholic, as a shopaholic I certainly like to look at pretty things (Ok, I like to BUY pretty things) and Shop did offer the endless parade of pretty things to look at-or was that just self promoting product placement? (Either way, show me anything Prada and I'll drool, I never said I was a reformed shopaholic) but the point is, this was a profoundly bad movie. I understand some movies are meant for entertainment purposes only, I understand the value of a "check your brain at the door" movie, I have no problem with these movies, I've been there done that (Bad Boys ring any bells) will do it again. So why am I so annoyed with Shopaholic? Because, even though I knew it wasn't going to be Hamlet, I honestly thought there would be SOMETHING! Instead you give me another bland cliche rehashing the same pretty boy gets pretty girl, everything works out in the end rubbish. You had a talented actress wandering aimlessly through a mindless movie, given nothing more to do than be cute and quirky (what is quirky anyway and why do we need a movie about it). There was no script to speak of, no real "characters" just one endless unfunny "joke" about shopping? Really? The sad part is this movie had potential, it could have been funny or at least remotely amusing, it could have been a sweet love story, with a real and timely message, no such luck, you blew it.
I want to see a good movie, or at least one that is not so insulting to my intelligence that I feel the need to come home and watch Chelsea Lately for some intellectual stimulation.
In conclusion dear idiots, I will agree to see the majority of your "check your brain at the door" movies if you agree to come up with an original idea! Try something different (remember I See Dead People?) If not, I feel I must warn you. I'll be initiating my world wide movie domination plan: "PAY AT THE END"! This will allow movie goers to pay what they feel the movie was worth AFTER they've seen it I think that's the initiative you need! Had this been an option for Shopaholic I would have,should have paid two dollars and I'm being overly kind with that dollar amount. I originally gave it a whopping dollar, however because I'm in a generous mood and I enjoy looking at pretty things, I threw in an extra buck. You're welcome!
Sincerely
Film Shrew
PS
I know Tina Fey and Diablo are probably busy, but, seriously, try and get an appointment!
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